Theology of Presence, Part 4: Sustaining a Ministry of Presence
A biblical and pastoral study of God’s nearness and the ministry of presence to those who suffer

About This Series

Henri Nouwen and the Wounded Healer

Lament, Hope, and the Resurrection

Boundaries, Limitations, and Referral

The Congregation as a Community of Presence

Practical Guidelines for Lay Caregivers

Conclusion: Becoming a Living Reminder of Christ

Appendix A: What to Say and What to Avoid

Appendix B: A Visit Checklist

Appendix C: Companion Studies

Bibliography

About This Series

This document is one of four parts of the study Theology of Presence: Walking with Others in the Compassion, Truth, and Hope of Christ, a biblical and pastoral study of God’s nearness and the ministry of presence to those who suffer. Each part can be read on its own, though the four are meant to be read together.

Part 4 gathers the threads and sustains the work: Henri Nouwen’s picture of the wounded healer, lament and resurrection hope, boundaries and referral, the congregation as a community of presence, and practical guidelines for lay caregivers. It closes with the conclusion of the whole study and three appendices.

The four parts are:

Part 1: The God Who Draws Near

Part 2: The Heart and Practices of Presence

Part 3: Presence in Seasons of Suffering

Part 4: Sustaining a Ministry of Presence

Henri Nouwen and the Wounded Healer

Significance

People who care for the suffering are seldom untouched by suffering themselves. Many who sit with the grieving have buried someone. Many who visit the ill have known illness. Henri Nouwen, the Dutch priest and writer who has shaped much Christian thinking about care, asked whether such wounds disqualify us or prepare us. His answer, in the book The Wounded Healer, was that wounds honestly faced and surrendered to God can become places of compassion.[1] This chapter gives that idea a careful hearing. We will welcome what is true in it and measure all of it against Scripture, where the only fully qualified healer is Christ, whose own wounds heal us.

Key Biblical Texts

2 Corinthians 1:3–4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Hebrews 4:15–16 For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

John 20:27 Then He said to Thomas, “Reach your finger here, and look at My hands; and reach your hand here, and put it into My side. Do not be unbelieving, but believing.”

Theological Explanation

Begin with the order of Paul’s sentence. In 2 Corinthians 1:3–7 the comfort moves in one direction: from the Father to us, and only then through us to others. The key word is παράκλησις (with the verb παρακαλέω), which can be rendered comfort, encouragement, or exhortation (to confirm in BDAG). Paul uses this family of words again and again in these few verses. God is “the God of all comfort.” We are not the source. We are those who have received, and the comfort we pass on is the same comfort we were given. A wound, then, does not make anyone a minister. The receiving of comfort in the wound does.

This is where an evangelical reading both welcomes Nouwen and gently corrects any careless use of him. As the research file presents him, Nouwen holds that woundedness does not necessarily disqualify a person from ministry, and that wounds honestly faced, brought before God, and held within a responsible community can deepen compassion and solidarity.[2] The Henri Nouwen Society likewise describes the book as a vision of leadership grounded in gentleness, honesty about limits, and shared humanity, not in power or flawlessness.[3] With all of that Scripture agrees. Yet Scripture never makes the wound itself the qualification. Qualification belongs to Christ. Our pain gives us no authority; it gives us only a place where we have learned our need.

Paul shows the pattern in 2 Corinthians 12:9–10. Asking three times for relief from his “thorn,” Paul hears, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” He concludes, “when I am weak, then I am strong.” The weakness was not celebrated for its own sake. It became the place where Christ’s power rested on him. In the same way, Hebrews 4:15–16 grounds our confidence in the sympathy of Christ. The verb συμπαθέω means to suffer with or feel with (to confirm in BDAG). Our High Priest does not need our wounds to be able to sympathize; he entered our weakness by the incarnation (Hebrews 2:17–18). So the true “wounded healer” is Jesus. Isaiah 53:3–5 calls the Servant “a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief,” and says, “by His stripes we are healed.”

That is why the resurrection scene matters so much. The risen Christ does not hide his wounds. He shows his hands and side to frightened disciples (John 20:20) and invites Thomas to touch them (John 20:27). The marks of the cross remain in his glorified body, and they are the very things that bring peace and faith. Nouwen’s phrase “living reminder” points here: the minister reminds others of Jesus, and Jesus is the one whose scars speak.[4] We never reach the point where our scars heal others. We reach only the point where, by grace, our scars no longer need to be hidden, and we can say, “I too needed comfort, and I found it in him.”

Nouwen’s other works, as the research file describes them, fill out the picture: hospitality in Reaching Out, compassion as entering another’s suffering, ministry that flows from solitude with God, leadership marked by prayer and vulnerability, and reflections on bereavement and the last season of life.[5] We may profit from all of these, provided we read them as a gifted pastor’s reflections, tested by the apostles’ teaching.

Two dangers deserve honest naming. The first is making a ministry out of one’s pain, so that the caregiver’s story becomes the center of every conversation. The second is a caregiver who is still raw and needs the sufferer’s recovery in order to be comforted. Nouwen himself speaks of wounds held “within a responsible community,” and that phrase is the safeguard.[6] Proverbs 11:14 and Galatians 6:1–2 tell us that wise care is shared and accountable.

Plain-Language Definitions

• Wounded healer: a person who has known real hurt and, having received God’s comfort, can sit with others in theirs with humility.
• Comfort (παράκλησις): strength and encouragement given by God that draws alongside a person, not a quick fix.
• Solidarity: standing with someone because we share the same human frailty.
• Accountability: letting trusted believers know how we are doing so that we do not carry the work, or our own pain, alone.

Examples

A composite example, not a real person. A widow in her seventies, two years after losing her husband, begins to visit others who have lost spouses. She does not give advice. She says, “I remember that the evenings were the worst,” and then she is quiet. Because she has met God in her own sorrow, she is not frightened by theirs. She also meets monthly with her pastor, who asks how she herself is faring.

A biblical example. Jesus offers Thomas his scarred hands, and Thomas answers, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28).

Pastoral Cautions

• Do not offer your story to redirect attention to yourself; tell it only when it clearly helps the other person.
• Do not treat your wound as a credential or as proof that you understand (“I know exactly how you feel”).
• Do not minister from a wound that is still bleeding without a pastor, counselor, or mature friend alongside you.
• Do not treat Nouwen as an authority equal to Scripture; weigh each of his ideas against the Bible.
• Do not become the only helper; refer when the need exceeds your gifts.

Practical Application

1. Receive first. Spend time each week asking the Father for comfort in your own losses before you comfort others.
2. Name your wounds privately. Write them down, pray over them, and note which still hurt most.
3. Tell one trusted person. Share your own burden with a pastor or mature friend (Galatians 6:2).
4. Ask before sharing your story. Use a brief sentence, then return to the other person.
5. Keep Christ central. Point to his comfort, not your resilience.
6. Watch your motives. Ask whether you are serving them or needing to be needed.
7. Read slowly. If you read Nouwen, keep your Bible open.

Reflection Questions

Discussion Questions

1. How does 2 Corinthians 1:3–7 describe the direction of comfort? What changes if we see ourselves as receivers first?
2. Why do you think the risen Jesus kept the marks of his wounds (John 20:20, 27)?
3. What is the difference between a wound that qualifies us and a wound we have brought to God?

Application Questions

1. Who in our church has comforted you in a hard season, and how did they do it?
2. What is one area of pain you need to bring to God or a pastor before serving others?
3. How can our congregation help caregivers stay accountable and rested?

Personal Reflection

Think of a loss that still shapes you. Ask honestly whether you have received God’s comfort there, or only learned to manage it. Write a few sentences to the Father about it, and ask him to show you one person with whom you may someday share what you have received.

Suggested Prayer

Father of mercies and God of all comfort, thank you for meeting me in my weakness. Heal what I cannot fix, and keep me from hiding or displaying my wounds. Teach me to comfort others with the comfort you have given me, and keep my eyes on Jesus, whose scars bring peace. Amen.

Recommended Resources

• Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Wounded Healer: his central statement on woundedness in ministry.[7]
• Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Living Reminder: the minister as one who recalls Jesus by faithful presence.
• Henri J. M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: ministry that flows from time alone with God.

Lament, Hope, and the Resurrection

Significance

Christians are sometimes tempted to hurry from sorrow to comfort, as though grief embarrassed the gospel. Scripture does the opposite. It gives the sorrowing a whole book of prayers in which pain is spoken to God, and it anchors them in a hope that is larger than death. A caregiver who understands lament and resurrection hope can stay with someone in the dark without despair on the one hand or false cheer on the other. This chapter shows how the sorrow of Friday and the hope of Sunday belong together, and how to speak of hope without silencing tears.

Key Biblical Texts

Psalm 13:1–2, 5–6 How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? . . . But I have trusted in Your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me.

1 Thessalonians 4:13, 18 But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. . . . Therefore comfort one another with these words.

Revelation 21:4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.

Theological Explanation

Lament is prayer in the language of pain. Psalms 13, 22, 42, and 88 show its shape: a cry to God, a description of the trouble, a plea, and very often a turn toward trust. Mark Vroegop, as the research file presents him, describes lament as a prayerful movement through pain toward trust, and the Gospel Coalition Canada describes it as bringing grief and complaint to God while continuing to rely on his character and promises.[8] Notice that the sufferer speaks to God, not merely about him. The complaint is itself an act of faith: only someone who believes God hears would say, “How long, O LORD?”

Psalm 13 moves from four “how longs” to “But I have trusted in Your mercy.” The turn is not a trick that cancels the sorrow; the circumstances in the psalm may be unchanged. What changes is where the speaker stands. Lamentations 3:19–33 does the same: after “the wormwood and the gall,” the poet says, “This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope: Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.” The word for mercies is חֶסֶד, steadfast covenant love (to confirm in HALOT). Hope here is not a feeling. It is a remembered fact about God’s character, held while the heart still aches. Yet lament does not always resolve within the psalm. Psalm 88 ends in darkness with no turn at all, and it still sits in the canon. That tells caregivers that a person who cannot yet say “but I trust” has not left the faith. They may need us to wait with them.

Hope, then, is not denial. Paul says believers do grieve, but not “as others who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). The phrase assumes sorrow and adds hope; it does not remove sorrow. Jesus himself wept at Lazarus’s tomb knowing he would raise him (John 11:35), and in the same chapter he said, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25–26). He asked a question, not a command. He offered the promise to Martha’s grief and let her answer in her own time.

The resurrection gives Friday and Sunday their place. Without Sunday, Friday is only loss. Without Friday, Sunday is only an idea. Because Christ is “the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep” (1 Corinthians 15:20), death is an enemy already defeated in him and not yet destroyed in us. “The last enemy that will be destroyed is death” (1 Corinthians 15:26). This is the biblical “already and not yet.” Romans 8:18–25 describes creation and believers groaning, waiting eagerly for redemption, and says “we hope for what we do not see.” Hope and groaning appear in the same breath. Revelation 21:4 promises the day when God himself will wipe away every tear; the promise presupposes the tears.

Hope can be misused. It is misused when it is quoted to end a conversation: “She is in a better place, so you should not cry.” It is misused when it implies that grief shows weak faith or that suffering is God’s punishment (John 9:1–3 rejects that). Prayer, too, must never promise an outcome. We may pray for healing boldly, and we may not tell anyone that God has guaranteed it. Faithful hope sounds more like, “Jesus has conquered death, and I will be with you until you see him,” and it is spoken after we have listened. Paul closes 1 Corinthians 15 with the assurance that “your labor is not in vain in the Lord” (verse 58), but only after naming death honestly.

Plain-Language Definitions

• Lament: an honest prayer of sorrow and complaint spoken to God, usually moving toward trust.
• Hope (Christian): confident expectation in what God has promised through Christ’s resurrection, held alongside real grief.
• Already and not yet: Christ has won the victory over death, but we do not yet see its full results.
• Resurrection: God’s act of raising Jesus bodily from the dead, and his promise to raise those who belong to him.

Examples

A composite example, not a real person. A man whose adult son has died tells his friend, “I am angry at God.” The friend does not correct him. He says, “The psalms say things like that. Would you like me to read one?” He reads Psalm 13 slowly. Weeks later the father says the “but” of the psalm was the first line that felt true.

A biblical example. Jesus arrives at Bethany to find Mary and Martha in sorrow. He weeps, though he is about to call Lazarus out of the tomb (John 11:33–44). Sorrow and power, tears and promise, stand together in him.

Pastoral Cautions

• Do not use resurrection hope to silence present sorrow or hurry someone’s grief.
• Do not promise healing, a particular outcome of prayer, or that “God has a reason.”
• Do not imply that suffering is deserved or sent as punishment.
• If a lament includes talk of ending one’s life, take it seriously and follow the guidance in the next chapter.

Practical Application

1. Read a psalm of lament aloud with the sufferer, asking first whether they would like that.
2. Let the “how long” stand. Wait before speaking of hope.
3. Offer a short prayer of lament that names the loss and trusts God.
4. Mention resurrection gently, after listening, as a promise and not a cure.
5. Return on hard days such as anniversaries and holidays.

Reflection Questions

Discussion Questions

1. Why do you think the Bible includes prayers like Psalm 88 that end without comfort?
2. How does 1 Thessalonians 4:13 treat grief and hope together?
3. What makes a statement about heaven feel comforting to some and dismissive to others?

Application Questions

1. Which psalm might you read with a grieving friend, and how would you introduce it?
2. How can you speak about resurrection without hurrying someone’s sorrow?
3. How might our church make room for lament in worship and prayer?

Personal Reflection

Write your own short lament to God, beginning with “How long” or “Why,” and, if you can, ending with one thing you still believe about him. If you cannot reach the ending, leave the page open and ask the Lord to receive it as it is.

Suggested Prayer

Lord Jesus, you wept and you rose. Teach us to weep with those who weep and to hope without hurrying them. Hear the cries we cannot finish, and hold us until the day you wipe away every tear. Amen.

Recommended Resources

• Mark Vroegop, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: an evangelical introduction to lament.[9]
• Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son: a father’s honest grief held with faith.
• Gerald L. Sittser, A Grace Disguised: loss and the long road after tragedy.

Boundaries, Limitations, and Referral

Significance

Love that never says no eventually breaks, and love that never calls for help can do harm. A lay caregiver is a friend and fellow believer, not a doctor, counselor, or emergency responder. Knowing where our care ends is part of caring well. Referral is not a failure of presence; it is presence extended through the hands of others who are trained for what we are not. This chapter sets out the safeguards that keep a ministry of presence safe for the person we visit and sustainable for us.

Key Biblical Texts

Galatians 6:2, 5 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. . . . For each one shall bear his own load.

Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

Mark 6:31 And He said to them, “Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.” For there were many coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.

Theological Explanation

Galatians 6 appears to contradict itself within four verses, and the apparent tension is the lesson. Verse 2 uses βάρος, a crushing weight, and calls us to share it. Verse 5 uses φορτίον, the pack a soldier or traveler carries, and says each person bears his own (to confirm both in BDAG). Some burdens are too heavy for one and must be shared; some loads belong to each person and cannot be carried for them. The caregiver’s wisdom is in telling the difference. We may bear someone’s grief by sitting with it. We may not live their decisions, take over their medical care, or be responsible for their choices.

The research file lists the safeguards plainly, and we follow them here.[10] First, presence is not professional counseling. Lay Christians do not diagnose mental illness, replace medical professionals, offer treatment, or manage crises beyond their competence. Second, presence is not unrestricted availability. Ministry needs boundaries, rest, shared responsibility, and respect for the roles of family and congregation. Jesus told his disciples to come away and rest (Mark 6:31). Third, presence is not forced disclosure: we do not tell our own stories merely to redirect attention or meet our needs. Fourth, presence is not theological avoidance. The goal is not silence about Christ but faithful, loving, well-timed speech. Fifth, presence is not fixing. Some suffering cannot be repaired, and faithfulness may mean accompanying a person in what remains painful.

There is a sixth safeguard we must not forget: presence is not silence in the face of danger. The research file names situations that call for immediate help: threatened self-harm, threatened harm to others, abuse, neglect, a medical emergency, severe confusion, unsafe living conditions, domestic violence, and inability to meet basic needs.[11] In these cases, love acts. Here is the plain guidance.

• In an emergency, call 911 in the United States. Do not wait for permission, and do not worry about overreacting.
• If someone speaks of suicide, take it seriously. Stay with them if you can, and call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, in the United States. You do not need to be sure; it is better to ask than to assume.[12]
• Adult Protective Services and child protective services exist to investigate abuse and neglect. A caregiver who suspects either should tell a pastor right away.
• Talk to a pastor. Proverbs 11:14 reminds us that safety lies in many counselors. A pastor can help decide next steps and make or support a report.
• Mandatory reporting laws vary by state. Pastors and church leaders should know what applies to them in Pennsylvania or wherever they serve, and should keep that knowledge current.[13]

Confidentiality is a real duty of love, and it has limits. We keep what is shared with us private (Proverbs 11:13 speaks of the trustworthy spirit that conceals a matter). Yet we cannot promise absolute secrecy when someone’s safety is at risk. A good practice is to say gently at the start of a serious conversation, “I will keep what you tell me private unless I believe you or someone else is in danger. Then I will need to get help.”

Finally, boundaries protect the caregiver. Weariness and resentment are signs we need rest and support, not weak faith.

Plain-Language Definitions

• Boundary: a limit that protects both the person cared for and the caregiver, such as time, topic, or role.
• Referral: helping someone connect with a professional or leader who can provide what we cannot.
• Confidentiality: keeping private what has been shared, except when safety requires telling someone.
• Mandatory reporting: laws that require certain people to report suspected abuse or neglect to authorities.

Examples

A composite example, not a real person. A deacon visiting an older man notices that the house is cold, the refrigerator is nearly empty, and the man seems confused about the day. He does not scold or diagnose. He asks permission to call the man’s daughter and the pastor, and he arranges a meal that day. Later he learns the man had been unable to manage his medications.

A biblical example. Jethro advised an overwhelmed Moses to share the load with capable others (Exodus 18:13–23).

Pastoral Cautions

• Never promise to keep a secret that involves danger to a person.
• Never ignore talk of self-harm, abuse, or neglect, even if the person asks you to.
• Do not offer medical or psychiatric advice or tell someone to stop medications.
• Do not use Scripture to dismiss a need for professional help.

Practical Application

1. Know the numbers. Keep 911, 988, your pastor’s number, and local protective services handy.
2. Agree on roles with your pastor or care team before you start.
3. Say your limits kindly at the outset: how often you can visit, and what you can do.
4. Explain confidentiality and its limits at the start of serious conversations.
5. Never go beyond your training. When you are unsure, ask.
6. Report promptly to your pastor if safety is in doubt.
7. Debrief and rest. Take a Sabbath from caregiving.

Reflection Questions

Discussion Questions

1. How do “bear one another’s burdens” and “each one shall bear his own load” fit together?
2. Why might referral be an act of love rather than a refusal of love?
3. What could go wrong if a caregiver promises complete secrecy?

Application Questions

1. Whom would you call first if you feared for someone’s safety?
2. Where in your caregiving do you need a firmer limit?
3. What does our church need to do to make sure leaders understand reporting requirements?

Personal Reflection

Consider where you are carrying a load that is not yours, or refusing help for a burden that is. Ask the Lord for the humility to name your limits and the courage to ask for a counselor, a partner, or a rest.

Suggested Prayer

Lord, you are the Good Shepherd and I am not. Teach me to love without trying to be God. Give me wisdom to see danger, courage to seek help, and grace to rest in your care. Keep those I visit safe, and keep me humble. Amen.

Recommended Resources

• Kenneth C. Haugk, Christian Caregiving: A Way of Life: a practical lay-care resource from the Stephen Ministry tradition.[14]
• Thomas C. Oden, Pastoral Theology: Essentials of Ministry: pastoral care, visitation, and suffering in a wide Christian tradition.
• Your pastor and conference or denominational care guidelines.

The Congregation as a Community of Presence

Significance

The ministry of presence is not meant to rest on one gifted person. God gathers his people so that no one grieves, ages, or dies alone. A congregation that organizes simple, steady habits of care becomes a visible sign that God is with us. This chapter turns the lessons of the study toward the whole church: how to share the work, protect privacy, support those who care, and build a rhythm that lasts beyond a single season of crisis.

Key Biblical Texts

Acts 2:42 And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers.

1 Corinthians 12:25–26 . . . that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.

Hebrews 10:24–25 And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.

Theological Explanation

The early church is described in Acts 2:42–47 as devoted to teaching, fellowship, the breaking of bread, and prayer, with believers sharing what they had as anyone had need. The word κοινωνία (fellowship, sharing; to confirm in BDAG) means more than friendliness; it is a common life. In 1 Corinthians 12 Paul says the members are to have the same care (μεριμνάω) for one another, and the suffering of one is the suffering of all. Care, then, is not an optional program. It is how the body of Christ shows that it is a body. Galatians 6:10 sets the order of concern: “as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith.” Hebrews 10:24–25 adds that gathering is a means of stirring up love. See also the companion studies “The Body of Christ” and “Members of One Another.”

Our own Mennonite tradition has long practiced mutual aid, the sharing of material and spiritual burdens among believers as an expression of the gospel. This is general background, flagged as such; each congregation will know its own history best and should consult its conference resources for specifics.[15] The principle needs no argument for us: being a church includes carrying one another.

What does this look like in practice? Several ordinary structures help a congregation remain present over time.

A care team. A small group of trained and commissioned members, led or supported by a pastor, who coordinate visits, meals, and referrals. A team shares the load, offers accountability, and prevents any one person from becoming the church’s only caregiver.

Role clarity. Everyone should know who visits, who calls the pastor, who coordinates meals, and who reports a safety concern.

Visitation rhythms. Regular, brief, predictable contact is better than occasional grand gestures. A monthly visit or weekly call can sustain a lonely member through years.

Training. Short, repeated training on listening, grief, boundaries, and referral equips volunteers.

Privacy rules for a prayer chain. Share only what the person has permitted. Ask first. Do not share diagnoses, family conflicts, or details that were not asked to be shared. A prayer chain without privacy rules can wound the very person it means to help.

Meals, rides, and communion. Concrete help is presence. Meals during illness or after a death, rides to appointments, and communion brought to homebound members tell people they remain part of the body. Remember anniversaries of deaths and diagnoses; many grievers find the second year lonelier than the first.

Care for those who care. Check on caregivers, pastors, and deacons. Provide rest, recognition, and the freedom to step back.

A one-year plan. A congregation might begin like this. In the first quarter, name the care team, define roles, and gather the phone numbers in this study’s boundaries chapter. In the second, hold a short training series and begin a simple visitation list. In the third, build a meal and ride list and a homebound communion rhythm, and agree on prayer-chain privacy rules. In the fourth, review what has happened, thank the volunteers, and rest. Then begin again. Presence is learned slowly.

Plain-Language Definitions

• Mutual aid: the practice of believers sharing material and spiritual resources with one another.
• Care team: a small, commissioned group that coordinates a congregation’s caring work.
• Visitation rhythm: a steady schedule of contact, such as monthly visits or weekly calls.
• Prayer chain: a way to pass prayer requests among members, which needs clear privacy rules.

Examples

A composite example, not a real person. A small congregation notices that three older members have not been to worship in months. A care team of four divides the names, with a monthly visit for each and a shared note of needs, never of private details. By spring, a driver is bringing two of them to church, and the third receives communion at home.

A biblical example. The Jerusalem believers gave to any who had need (Acts 2:44–45).

Pastoral Cautions

• Do not make care depend on one person’s energy.
• Do not share prayer requests without permission.
• Do not neglect the quiet members who do not ask.
• Do not allow care to become gossip.
• Do not skip pastoral oversight and reporting when safety is in question.

Practical Application

1. Form a care team and have the congregation commission it in worship.
2. Write down roles and share them in the bulletin or directory.
3. Create a visitation list with a named visitor for each member in need.
4. Adopt prayer-chain privacy rules in writing.
5. Set up meal and ride lists for crisis seasons.
6. Arrange homebound communion with the pastor’s guidance.
7. Keep a simple calendar of anniversaries and birthdays.

Reflection Questions

Discussion Questions

1. What do Acts 2 and 1 Corinthians 12 say about how church members relate in hard times?
2. Why is it important that care not rest on one person?
3. What are the strengths of our congregation’s care?

Application Questions

1. Who in our church may be unseen right now?
2. What is one small step we could take in the next month?
3. How could we protect privacy in our prayer requests?

Personal Reflection

Ask yourself whether you are more likely to give care, receive it, or avoid both. Ask the Lord what one person he would have you remember this week.

Suggested Prayer

Lord Jesus, you have made us one body. Open our eyes to those who are alone. Give us patience for the long work of care, humility to receive it, and joy in serving. Make our congregation a place where your presence is felt. Amen.

Recommended Resources

• Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together: Christian community and the discipline of listening.[16]
• Stanley Hauerwas, Suffering Presence: how communities respond to suffering without explaining it away.
• Your conference’s congregational care and mutual-aid materials.

Practical Guidelines for Lay Caregivers

Significance

Good intentions need simple habits. Most lay caregivers do not need a theory in the moment; they need to know how to prepare, what to do with their hands and words, and how to close a visit well. This chapter gathers the study into a short handbook. Keep it near your Bible. Nothing here replaces the guidance of your pastor or the help of professionals, and nothing here is a formula. It is a way of loving a person patiently.

Key Biblical Texts

Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

James 1:19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

Theological Explanation

Presence has a pattern: preparation, attention, and care afterward. Each part rests on the character of God, who comes near, listens, and remains.

Before the visit. Pray for the person and for yourself, and ask the Spirit to make you attentive (John 14:26 promises the Helper). Arrange the visit instead of arriving unannounced, and check with a family member about the person’s energy. Know your limits and the number of your pastor. Leave your own agenda, advice, and phone in the car.

During the visit. Greet the person by name and sit at eye level, where they can see and hear you. Let them lead. Ask open questions such as “How are you today?” and “What has been hardest?” Jesus asked questions of people (Mark 10:51), and James 1:19 reminds us to hear before we speak. Allow silence; silence is not failure. Ask permission before praying or reading Scripture, and keep both short. Offer practical help, such as a ride or a meal. Watch for tiredness and leave before the visit exhausts them. Follow Romans 12:15: match their weeping and their joy.

After the visit. Note in private what you must remember, such as a need or a date, and nothing more than the person would want recorded. Tell your pastor about any safety concern. Pray briefly. Follow up with a call, a card, or the next visit. Rest.

Confidentiality and records. Keep private what you hear. If your church uses a care log, record only dates, needs, and follow-ups, not private confessions or medical details. Store notes securely and share them only with those who need them. Explain at the outset that you will keep confidences unless someone is in danger.

What to avoid. Do not correct, preach, compare, fix, or say “I know exactly how you feel.” Do not ask about private medical details, prescribe treatments, or push for emotional recovery. Do not make promises about healing or about the results of prayer.

Plain-Language Definitions

• Open question: a question that invites more than yes or no.
• Follow-up: a later contact that shows the person was not forgotten.
• Care log: a brief, secure record of visits and needs, not of private disclosures.

Examples

A composite example, not a real person. A volunteer calls ahead, brings a small loaf, and sits by the bed of a woman in the hospital. They talk about her garden. When she asks whether she did something wrong to be ill, the volunteer says, “I do not believe that, and I do not have an answer. May I stay with you?” She prays briefly and leaves after twenty minutes. She tells the pastor about a missed meal and calls on Thursday.

A biblical example. Job’s friends sat with him for seven days without a word (Job 2:13).

Pastoral Cautions

• Do not make a visit about you.
• Do not stay long, and do not arrive unannounced.
• Do not share what you learn with others unless safety requires it.
• Do not use Scripture as a weapon or a bandage.

Practical Application

An at-a-glance summary:

Moment	Do	Avoid
Before	Pray, call ahead, know your limits	Arriving unannounced, bringing advice
Arriving	Greet by name, sit at eye level	Standing, hovering
Talking	Ask open questions, listen	Interrupting, comparing
Praying	Ask permission, keep it short	Preaching in prayer
Leaving	Close warmly, set the next contact	Staying until exhausted
After	Pray, note needs, report concerns	Gossip, silence about danger

Short checklists by situation:

1. Grief: say the name of the person who died; allow tears; remember anniversaries; offer a specific task.
2. Illness: visit briefly; ask about their day; avoid prescribing; bring food or help.
3. Aging: listen to life stories; offer rides; read a Psalm; speak to them as adults.
4. Dementia: speak simply and slowly; identify yourself; avoid correcting; use familiar songs; support the family.
5. Caregivers: offer a few hours of respite; ask how they are; bring a meal; do not judge.
6. Dying: sit quietly; hold a hand if welcomed; pray briefly; support family; do not force conversation.

Reflection Questions

Discussion Questions

1. Which part of a visit is hardest for you: preparing, listening, or leaving?
2. Why is it important to ask permission before praying?
3. What did Job’s friends do right, and when did they go wrong?

Application Questions

1. What will you do before your next visit?
2. What records, if any, will your church keep, and who may see them?
3. Whom can you ask to visit with you?

Personal Reflection

Recall a time when someone simply stayed with you. Ask what they did and did not do, and consider how you might do the same for someone this month.

Suggested Prayer

Lord, make me quiet enough to listen and steady enough to stay. Show me the words to say, and when to say nothing. Let those I visit sense your nearness, and let me leave them in your hands. Amen.

Recommended Resources

• Paul Tournier, A Listening Ear: attention and being truly known.[17]
• Alan D. Wolfelt, Companioning the Bereaved: companioning rather than treating, to be weighed by Scripture.
• Kenneth C. Haugk, Christian Caregiving: A Way of Life: lay care in practice.

Conclusion: Becoming a Living Reminder of Christ

We began with a simple conviction: we do not bring God into a place where he is absent. The Father drew near in the Son, remains with us by the Spirit, gathers us into one body, and sends us to those who suffer. Everything in this study has been an attempt to say how ordinary believers might take part in that nearness.

Henri Nouwen’s phrase “living reminder” is a humble one. It does not ask us to be heroes. It asks us to remind people, by our faithfulness, of Jesus, who noticed individuals, asked questions, wept at a tomb, touched the untouchable, and stayed when others withdrew. Scripture governs what we say about him, and he is the one whose scars heal.

Some who read these pages are grieving themselves. Be gentle with yourself. You may be the one who needs a visitor this season, and receiving care is also a way of bearing the body’s life. When you are ready, you will find that you have more to give than you thought, and less to prove.

Go slowly. Pray first. Listen. Stay. Ask for help. Rest. The Lord who is already in the room will do what only he can do, and he will let us stand beside him.

Appendix A: What to Say and What to Avoid

Instead of	Try
“Everything happens for a reason.”	“I do not have an explanation, but I am willing to remain with you.”
“God has a plan.”	“I do not understand this, and I am so sorry.”
“God needed another angel.”	“I am deeply sorry.”
“It was God’s will.”	“This is so painful. I am here.”
“God never gives us more than we can handle.”	“This is heavy. How can I help carry it?”
“God is teaching you something.”	“This is hard. I am praying for you, and I am here.”
“At least they are no longer suffering.”	“Tell me about them.”
“She is in a better place.”	“I will miss her too.”
“At least you had so many years.”	“I know how much you loved each other.”
“You should be over this by now.”	“What would be most helpful today?”
“Be strong.”	“You do not have to carry this alone.”
“Time heals all wounds.”	“There is no hurry. I will keep walking with you.”
“If you had enough faith, God would heal you.”	“I am praying, and I am staying.”
“Just trust God.”	“It is all right to bring God your questions. Shall we do that together?”
“Where is your faith?”	“It is okay to be honest with God. I will be honest with you too.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”	“I cannot know, but I want to understand. Will you tell me?”
“Others have it so much worse.”	“This is your loss, and it matters.”
“Call me if you need anything.”	“I will bring dinner Tuesday. May I?”
“You are so strong.”	“You do not have to be strong with me.”
“Everything is going to be fine.”	“I do not know what will happen. I am with you.”
“I will pray for you.”	“May I pray with you now?”

Appendix B: A Visit Checklist

1. Pray for the person and for yourself.
2. Arrange the visit and check the person’s energy.
3. Know your limits and your pastor’s number.
4. Greet by name and sit where they can see and hear you.
5. Ask an open question and listen.
6. Allow silence.
7. Ask permission before praying or reading Scripture.
8. Offer one practical help.
9. Leave before the person is tired.
10. Pray, note needs, and report any safety concern to your pastor.
11. Follow up within a week.

Appendix C: Companion Studies

• Learning to Care
• Henri Nouwen on Prayer
• The Body of Christ
• Pictures of the Body of Christ
• Love as Oneness
• Love in the New Testament
• Members of One Another

Bibliography

Directly Retrieved/Verified This Session

Lausanne Movement. “Following Jesus in a World of Suffering and Violence.” Lausanne Occasional Paper 62. https://lausanne.org/occasional-paper/following-jesus-in-a-world-of-suffering-and-violence-lop-62-f. Read for the cross as God not untouched by suffering and the church’s call to practical compassion.

Lausanne Movement. “Turning the Church’s Attention to Mental Health.” https://lausanne.org/global-analysis/turning-the-churchs-attention-to-mental-health. Read for the church’s role in whole-person care and cooperation with professionals.

Henri Nouwen Society. Reaching Out discussion guide. https://henrinouwen.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/Reaching-Out.pdf. Read for Nouwen’s three movements and the hospitality themes.

Henri Nouwen Society. “Book Club: The Wounded Healer.” https://www.henrinouwen.org/events/book-club-the-wounded-healer. The Society’s description of the book, paraphrased.

National Institute on Aging. “Loneliness and Social Isolation.” https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/loneliness-and-social-isolation. Read for general points on connection, aging, and health.

The Gospel Coalition Canada. “What Is Lament and How to Help Others Lament?” https://ca.thegospelcoalition.org/article/what-is-lament-and-how-to-help-others-lament/. Read for the definition of lament and the pattern of lament psalms.

Not Directly Consulted This Session

• Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Life Together.
• Buber, Martin. I and Thou.
• Haugk, Kenneth C. Christian Caregiving: A Way of Life.
• Hauerwas, Stanley. Suffering Presence.
• Lewis, C. S. A Grief Observed; The Problem of Pain.
• Nouwen, Henri J. M. The Wounded Healer; Reaching Out; Compassion; The Living Reminder; Out of Solitude; The Way of the Heart; In the Name of Jesus; Adam: God’s Beloved; A Letter of Consolation; Our Greatest Gift.
• Oden, Thomas C. Pastoral Theology: Essentials of Ministry.
• Root, Andrew. The Relational Pastor; Christopraxis.
• Sittser, Gerald L. A Grace Disguised.
• Swinton, John. Raging with Compassion; Dementia: Living in the Memories of God.
• Tournier, Paul. A Listening Ear; The Meaning of Persons.
• Vroegop, Mark. Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy.
• Wolfelt, Alan D. Companioning the Bereaved.
• Wolterstorff, Nicholas. Lament for a Son.
• BDAG; TDNT; NIDNTTE; HALOT (lexicons cited for word meanings, flagged “to confirm” in the text).

Scripture quotations are from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

---

[1] The author’s Theology of Presence: Research Foundation (Word file), summarizing Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Wounded Healer. From the research file and general knowledge; not directly consulted; confirm before teaching.

[2] Research Foundation, on Nouwen, The Wounded Healer; see the first note in this chapter. Not directly consulted; confirm before teaching.

[3] Henri Nouwen Society, “Book Club: The Wounded Healer,” https://www.henrinouwen.org/events/book-club-the-wounded-healer (retrieved this session; paraphrased).

[4] Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Living Reminder, as summarized in the research file. From the research file and general knowledge; not directly consulted; confirm before teaching.

[5] Research Foundation summaries of Nouwen’s Reaching Out, Compassion, Out of Solitude, The Way of the Heart, In the Name of Jesus, Adam: God’s Beloved, A Letter of Consolation, and Our Greatest Gift. From the research file and general knowledge; not directly consulted; confirm before teaching.

[6] Research Foundation, on Nouwen’s reference to wounds held within a responsible community, paraphrased; see the first note in this chapter. Not directly consulted; confirm before teaching.

[7] Resource list for Nouwen: from the research file and general knowledge; not directly consulted this session; confirm before teaching.

[8] Mark Vroegop, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy, as summarized in the research file; “What Is Lament and How to Help Others Lament,” The Gospel Coalition Canada, as cited in the research file (not retrieved this session). From the research file and general knowledge; not directly consulted; confirm before teaching.

[9] Vroegop, Wolterstorff, and Sittser: from the research file and general knowledge; not directly consulted; confirm before teaching.

[10] Research Foundation, section 12, “Important safeguards.” Paraphrased. Confirm before teaching.

[11] Research Foundation, section 12, “Important safeguards” (the list of situations calling for immediate help). Paraphrased. Confirm before teaching.

[12] Contact details were not verified this session; confirm current contact details (911 for emergencies, call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, United States) before publishing.

[13] The reporting laws of Pennsylvania and other states were not consulted this session; a pastor or church leader should confirm current requirements with the church’s denominational office or legal counsel.

[14] Haugk, Oden, and conference materials: from the research file and general knowledge; not directly consulted; confirm before teaching.

[15] General background on Mennonite mutual aid and congregational care, from general knowledge; not consulted this session; confirm with your conference.

[16] Bonhoeffer and Hauerwas: from the research file and general knowledge; not directly consulted; confirm before teaching.

[17] Tournier, Wolfelt, and Haugk: from the research file and general knowledge; not directly consulted; confirm before teaching.